Journal Entries from a Seven Day Zen Retreat

11 Jan, 2026

DHARMA SPEECH OF THE THIRD SEAT

Master Ang Sahn had a dream in which he went to the place where Maitreya was teaching and was given the third seat. A venerable monk struck the table with a gavel and said, “Today the talk will be given by the monk of the third seat.”

Ang Sah then struck the table with the gavel and said, “The Dharma of Mahayana goes beyond the Four Propositions and transcends the One Hundred Negations. Listen carefully! Listen carefully!”

Ang Sahn made a big mistake. Where is it?
What did you attain from this kong-an?

What was Ang Sahn’s mistake? I’ve unfortunately made his mistake hundreds, if not thousands of times this past week..

I spent the past week at a seven-day silent retreat at my local Zen center. I’ve been home for just about a day now, and in particular this retreat has my friends asking: “How was it? What do you even do during a retreat? Also… why did you do that?”

I struggle to answer, honestly. On one hand, I’m finding that many people believe that Zen retreats are super relaxing and restful, but I also don’t want to double down on “Oh man, no, retreats are so INTENSE and you’re in so much PAIN and you’re fucking EXHAUSTED.” -I- am the insane person that elects to do this, so what does that serve? Instead, the response I’ve been giving is just “I’m happy I did it.” It also tends to raise a lot of questions when you try and describe the retreat but it’s just ‘I sat in a room for 12 hour a day and once every half hour an old man walked around the room and hit everyone with a stick.’ Which is true, but… optics…

Here’s an overview of the schedule. It’s well ingrained in my head at this point:

5:15am: Wake up bell
5:30am: Four Great Vows + 108 bows
6:00am: Morning bell chant + regular chanting
6:45am: Sitting
7:30am: Breakfast
8:00am: Work period
9:00am: Rest
9:30am: Sitting
12:00pm: Lunch
12:30pm: Rest
1:30pm: Sitting
4:30pm: Rest
5:00pm: Dinner
5:30pm: Rest
6:30pm: Special chanting
7:00pm: Regular chanting
7:30pm: Sitting
9:20pm: Chanting (English Heart Sutra + Great Dharani), Four Great Vows

Kong-an interviews were offered twice during the week. Meals were communal. We were instructed to keep silent, as well as keep off our phones during the week.

Instead of offering my commentary, I would like to offer my journal entries from the week. Note… I am writing these with pen and paper if it sounds choppy; I’m not trying to be more ‘Zen’ in my speech patterns.

Also, dear god, may I just say that coming out of this retreat and looking at the news for the past seven days was like getting blasted with a fire hose. Kwan Seum Bosal.

Saturday, January 3

It’s unclear if I should be journaling during retreat. Though, it’s what I’m doing now.

Lovely fresh fruit. Pears, apples, cut with taste of orange lingering. Hot water dispenser in a cup.

Very tired. Hard to keep my eyes open, mind clear. Tummy is upset from bean chili.

Peanut butter bread + chili… writing that down…

Sunday, January 4

The body doth protest.

Gochujang and peanut butter on toast. What a lovely time.

Seeing how much I make, fuss and worry. [Sangha member] swallowing. Friends texting. Checking the news. Look at how many arrows I can pierce myself with.

Quiet talks with [other sangha member] in the kitchen, how wonderful.

Monday, January 5

When you’ve exhausted all positions, what then? Stop running. Pain is an old friend. Look him in the eye.

Tuesday, January 6

Nowhere to run, sitting to face discomfort. Sitting longer, perhaps stronger today.

We took a walk outside [during afternoon sitting period]. We stopped on a bridge to watch the birds in the creek.

Breakfast - oatmeal with tamari, peanut butter, avocado. Soy milk Lunch - Lentil soup with gochujang and soy sauce, avocado, brown rice. Salad with balsamic vinaigrette, soy sauce.

Dinner - Lentil soup with gochujang and soy sauce, wheat bread w/ peanut butter, and an underripe pear.

Wednesday, January 7

Peekaboo squirrels and wooden cranes.

I’ve been healed by a soup!

Breakfast - oatmeal peanut butter raisins soy milk

Lunch - soup (ginger squash) brown rice salad soy sauce

Dinner - soup (ginger squash) and bread with peanut butter gochujang and an apple

Wood floors are pretty. A flower unfurling. Laughing with [yet another sangha member] in the kitchen.

Bell chant tonight. Not trying to check… but these girls WAIL against that thing. Change of intensity.

Thursday, January 8

Today, it is raining. The rain came in, took me out. Rain on roof, Wren in room. Not so different.

Letting go of ’Soon [head dharma teacher] will hit the chugpi’, ‘Oh my god, how much longer?’ dissolves something. Then, I can sit a 100 day retreat. Knees hurt, stand up. Problem resolved, sit down.

Lunch + Dinner - [Sangha member] made miso soup with red miso. Some sort of root vegetable - parsnip?

I think I was legitimately ill earlier this week. I feel much better now.

I think tonight poor [newer Sangha member] is doing the evening bell chant. I am keeping him in my thoughts.

Looked at an apple today.

Keep your mind WIDE, RECEPTIVE.

Friday, January 9

Poor [retreat participant] had a panic attack during one of the breaks. He and [other retreat participant] drove together from [other Zen center 4 hours away] together so they both drove back to [city] tonight.

Vibes not great in the Zendo this evening.

I also was convinced that one of the soups had cheese in it. I don’t think it actually does, but I made so much out of that internally. I let it poison my afternoon.

Tonight I found out none of the bread I’ve been eating is vegan, either.

People trying their best. Bread has already been eaten. Tomorrow, I just will not eat the bread.

At long last, we’re almost done.

Saturday, January 10

Written after coming home from the retreat

The vibes returned mostly back to normal today. After concocting the Cheese Soup Conspiracy, I feel like I finished the retreat strong. This is the only that that makes sense. So many terrible things have happened in the world this week. [Dharma teacher] said “shelter in the practice.” This is how to let the world in and not drown in the anguish, to more clearly see how to help the world.

There is nowhere to run. Just now, ~moment by moment~. Knees hurting, news blaring, friends calling. ~Please, please come back to the open, willing DON’T KNOW,~ totally surrendered. And you have it already. I spent so much of the retreat waiting for that click where things become ‘easy’. The click never happened. Maybe it didn’t ever happen. Let that go. I found it held me back from whatever it was I was truly experiencing.

Sit more. Bow more. Hurry up!! _PLEASE!!!

So I don’t forget…

Swimming through oak planks
Head of a wooden crane
Peekaboo squirrels hug crick trees
ATTENTION!
Floor is wood
Chitter chatter